yeaps.. i feel dat dis year's chi new year v sianz.. same old thing.. go bai nian.. take ang bao.. eat.. smile.. den go home.. dis year no mahjong for me.. only poker.. so bored.. lose 11bucks on poker.. tink if play mahjong i'll win alot lo.. haha* dreaming.. anyway, wentta pray on Monday.. den shifu says dat i'll have to study hard.. i can go poly de.. so i wish... i hope i can.. yeaps*.. den my hk trip mux postpone.. i dun mind though.. at least can go KL i also song.. haha*.. sch time again.. idert la.. my modem gonna fly where.. i cant go on9.. cant do my project.. do u tink i dun wanna do?.. is i cant help it hor.. wait till i give birth to a modem la.. *ARSE* i noe my girls understand how i feel..haiz.. anyway.. school life is sianz.. really v slpy.. had so lil for ang bao this year.. like only 128bucks?? haiz.. i go buy 4 tops den no more money liaoz..haha*.. mama went oversea le.. go hat chai ..coming back on fri nite.. so hope she got me something.. bra?? watches?? i dun mind.. so long there's something for me.. *winks*.. my kor too.. dey all gg thai too but to bangkok.. haha.. he say gonna get me a jacket.. adida or puma.. anything la.. haha* got free gifts can liaoz.. i'm NOT like some1 who got no money still wanna wear stuff which r not their kind.. mux see face de k.. mux c if u r capable to wear it not.. not all ppl can wear branded stuff la.. or rather... not *you*.. haha* my girls sure noe who i talking abt.. a person who only noes how to brag abt almost everything.. even IQ & EQ oso mux compare with us.. aiyoh.. get a life la.. u r a guy.. we r girls.. if u do well, so be it.. who cares? no1 will give a damn.. coz we dun bother.. do u tink u r so 'famous' till every1 likes u?? go reflect urself.. ask urself la.. see how many ppl who u in directly offended.. and oh.. btw, if u tink dat some ppl talks to u coz they treat u as a fren.. oh HOHOHO... haha* dats so funny coz they dun... they r juz faking it.. muahahaha...

enough of you... stop ur tongue from wiggling la.. cant speak well den dun.. makes ppl irritated...

*miss you dearie.. ..

and

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!

you n me.. the happy memories..  

its when u shed tears and you still care for the person,
its when the person ignores you and you still long for that person.
its when the person begins to love another and yet you smile and say-
i'm happy for you.

-------------------------------
this is wat i saw from deb's email.. i felt so meaningful..
no1 will noe how i felt.. the nitemare i had..and how i forced you to forget abt me..

tot of gg ta pray coz of e nitemare.. it haunts me still.. even till now..
i dun have a chance to tell u everything.. coz u din give me a chance to.
i gave u chances to explain to me.. to apologise to me for showing attitude to me..
but u did not.. u even showed me more attitude.. i felt ridiculous..
i asked u if u will slap urself... u wited v v long to ans me... and u said yes u will..
when i asked u to do it, but u did not.. no matter how many times i asked u to do so...

do u tink i really mean it? i'm not..
but u made me realised something from it..
its e same meaning like.. i asked if u love me... and u said yes... when i asked u to show to me how much u love me.. u did not do anything to show me.. ..its e same meaning..
i felt no love from u.. i forced myself not to cry.. not to be angry when i said i wanna let u go..
i did it.. i only wanted to c ur back view so dat i'll be happy.. but.. u did not..
in order to make u hate me n forget abt me... *dis is e only way*.. to make u hate me n forget me is to slap u myself.. and yes.. i did it.. n i noe u r angry.. i saw it from ur expression.. i knew today will ended up dis way.. without even gg for prayers.. all coz today is e date *same as 2005* u hack care me.. din bother to msg me .. leaving me alone for my CNY.. alone spending V day.. so.. history is repeating ... again...

do u noe dat i'm v v scared??
do u noe dat i really cant take it?
i'm suffocating.. i'm tired..

i forced myself to go dis way... the way which i hated ..
i no longer can stand up..

will u eva understand my situation?
will u eva understand and know wat i wan?
when will i feel the real you?
when will i feel the love u gave me?

when?

lately v busy with my stuff so yupz.. now got abit of time ta do.. yeaps* so here i am..

well, i yest den had my nafa test.. all pass.. except for my standing board jump... every year oso like dat.. damn irritating.. hahA* after our stations.. had our 2.4km.. ya.. at e bishan park.. and its so damn FAR!! was really trying ta jog faster.. but cant.. my gastric starts to pain.. feel like vomitting oso.. but ended up i brisk walked alot.. nearer to e arrival, i saw sharifah behind me.. so i asked her to hurry up.. den yeaps.. i held her hand and we ran together..haha.. yeaps.. i pushed her to get e no. card.. she got 111.. and me?... 112!!! my nice no. ... hee*..

*aching*

i miss you.. but.. u din col me back..u dun care me le...

i felt dat u no longer love me as much..

*heartache*

do u noe i hated dis no. 14?? all coz of something bad happened on dis date.. made my life miserable.. and guess wat.. its yest.. and dats e reason y i ended up having so much free time over here bloggin instead of hanging out.. many things run thru my head for 2 days.. i wentta walk ard my area alone in e noon.. teared enough.. sad enough.. sometimes i really think back.. shld i move on? or shld i juz hang in dere.. but.. i felt that i'm all alone.. i felt dat all e while.. i was alone.. i was so so alone.. i only had my memories.. when i wonders if u will msg me back.. my heart throbs.. my heart sunken.. coz i c no msges from u.. i've waited n waited all day n nite for it.. where r u?... i wonder... my head is full of negative thoughts.. and my tears starts to flow non-stop.. but who was dere for me... no1... i'm falling deeply in dis trap... i dun have anything to save my own life.. i dun wanna stuck in dere again..i feel like letting all out.. i have so much to say... but i bottled up instead... i'm findin myself getting more n more emotional.. thought of making myself suffer.. to ease my heart pain.. but i cant do so.. u will hate me.. but wat am i suppose to do.. wait here?? continue waiting till i die?i cant wait no more.. i'm having breakdown... i no longer can smile.. i no longer can be as happy.. i realised in my world.. my world is grey... and its always raining..

i guess.. i shld leave u.. i dunno if u will be happy..
but i hope i do so.. u will.. i cant stuck here any longer..
my heart's hurt again...

take care always-jake

with all my heart and soul given to u..
i gave u memories..
may all dis memories be with u..always..

i have been very pissed with myself.. all coz of my sickness.. i cant sing.. and its already more den 1 week plus.. y dat bloody virus cant get away from me? *coughed*

[Thurs]12/01/06

was raining.. wentta sch for thinking skill Ca.. was like.. damn wateva rite.. thinking thingy.. use brain lehx.. can test 1 mehx.. wateva.. coz of e rain i gotta stay for e other 2 lesson though i'm so so tired..and so so cold.. took a cab to e salon near my hse area after sch.. permed my hair for 79bucks.. yupz*.. went back home.. dearie after work came over my place.. bought me dunch.. hahA.. den ate le watched tv.. den we went down ta salon again.. dearie cut her hair.. yupz*.. sent me home den went home..

[Fri]13/01/06

i din go sch today coz i had a slight fever.. din tell dear abt it.. scared she worried sick.. met dear after her work.. wentta city hall met up with simon den to suntec to mit xiao hao and e rest.. long is late again.. wentta eat at shaw centre food court while waiting for long n salli.. kev tempting us with e pork chop rice.. *arse* den we walked ta suntec back ta find them.. yupz*.. they planned ta go clubbing but i wasn't.. coz Sick noe.. how to go.. haha* den.. took a train ta orchard .. fareast.. said hi ta cindy girlie.. haha.. den pei long dey all go get some snacks to eat.. den was deciding whether ta go club or ktv.. and ended up.. with salli's craziness, we wentta ktv of coz.. and ya.. of coz u guys can guess le wat.. with my voice sounded like ah du .. cant sing high notes.. so.. i told them i gonna recover fast ta sing with them.. *promised*.. wentta hello! singtel partyworld dere.. den met up with utaro, another best singer, den.. go in and sing le lo.. haha* haiz.. was kinda sore la.. so i cant sing alot.. keep coughing.. so let our beloved crazy salli ta sing lo..its from 10-2am.. yupz*.. there was abt 11 in e room.. and dadaa came after awhile.. so we made up 12.. yupz*.. dearie noes dat i feel like singing so she pei me despite tml got work in e morning.. *sweet*.. even wentta buy me soothing candies for me and withdraw money coz afraid i dun have enough money.. hee*shared a cab with dadaa den went home..

[Sat]14/01/06

dearie wentta work.. accidently deleted all e inbox in her fone.. knew something gonna happened.. *pray hard nothing* was telling dearie ta go home n rest coz i noe she's tired.. den mayb mit up during evening time for dinner and go chinatown...BUT..
u told me dat u v tired still.. i was ok with it.. i can let u stay at home n rest.. but wat hurts me was when u actually ask me if i can go out tml.. *sunday is my family day* i haven been out with them for v long.. and do u noe how i felt?? i remember i asked u if i were ta ask u not to go for family gathering.. u will not go.. but wat happened in real life was.. u actually went.. without me knowing.. until when i asked u.. den u told me.. now.. wat can u conclude?? i felt dat.. wateva u can do, i cant do.. do u noe how unfair dis is? u can do wateva u wan, dat includes dun msg me for e whole day, but when i do so, u will say its coz i neva msg u den u dun msg me lo.. i mean.. how am i supposed ta tolerate dis??

i even msged u dis, if i wan u to come over ta find me, will u? ... but.. u din... U STILL DIN!!.. its already e dunno how many times i sended dis kinda msg to u.. and u showed nothing to me.. is dis called u care?? is dis called u love me? is dis called u give in to me everytime?? mux i everytime when u made me angry and i have ta col u instead?

u made me waited for more den 2hours.. and no apology from u.. i tot to myself, will u came over ta my hse n find me when u noe u made me angry.. i was wrong.. u din.. i actually gotta call u back..

it makes me feel complicated.. i dunno wat to say.. mayb i'm feeling like wat roger's feeling.. dunno whether shld give up not..

*argh*


when will u be more sensitive towards me..
when will u not take me for granted..
WHEN???

i guess i'm not important to u anymore..

*hurt deep*

[6/01/06] Friday nite to Saturday..
was kinda pissed coz of something.. and i was v angry with dear.. kinda said some stuff which i tink i shldn't say to dear.. i actually said i wanna time out.. yupz*.. wat am i doing manz.. and well, dearie only sent me 2 msges in e morning and yupz* dats it.. i'm alone again.. we actually made a pact dat we'll go singing with simon and ah long and e rest.. but haiz..dearie din msg me.. din find me.. i was so depress dat nite.. i cried.. din tink of gg ynorts.. but simon and long keep asking me to go.. so i went.. met up with roger and isaac.. and ya.. i cried again.. keltao talked to me abt it. . hiro consoled me.. every1 did.. except u.. haiz.. so so moody.. dunno y i pay 18bucks for wat.. anyway, danced abit.. saw adrian..said hi.. den continue dancing.. salli at last can get in.. yeah.. anyway, i cried again.. kelteo pull me to go dance with salli.. and ended up salli and me and long and kelteo dancing at 1 blardy corner coz e rest all pushing us.. ya.. ducky was damn blardy drunk.. dirty dancin with salli.. and when he gets near me.. kelteo pull ducky towards him.. haha* ended up dey both dirty dancing.. poor kelteo.. haha* wondering did he high not.. haha* saw a msg from a fren.. so i went over.. made them *hao* .. only i noe wat i'm saying la.. haha* den ya lo.. eat le breakfast at maxwell den go home..

Sunday[08/01/06]
stayed at home.. supposed ta mit up with roger.. called dearie.. but still e same.. den after dat dearie called me back.. den was like explaining dat scared i still angry with her.. and she was having diarrhoea.. dats y she cant mit me up.. cant find me.. she gotta stay at home e whole time.. *WAKE UP*... okok... if dearie dun tell me, i tink i will be still waiting for her msg n all lo.. haiz.. my fickle minded.. i always very soft hearted.. hiak*..

Monday[09/01/06]
dreamt something bad.. told dearie abt it.. den planned to off work early juz to pei me go out.. pick me up by cab ..brought me to parkway.. was raining damn heavily.. ate steamboat. .damn shiok.. but guess wat.. saw dat fatso dere.. muhahah* with an old auntie.. tink suit her alot la.. haha* she dun suit young girls.. old ladies is good for her.. haha.. anyway.. we walked ard..took a bus ta tm den dearie bought me my skin care products.. (*cleanser dun have).. YUPZ*..wentta compass point later to buy e cleanser.. den dearie bought me a white dress and pink cardigen for CNY.. yeha* so happy.. hee* den after dat went home after having our late dinner at KFC.. yeap.. *muackiez*

something happened to our fren.. kinda hard ta let u guess noe.. come ask me when i wanna say ok?
hee*

Tuesday[10/01/06] HARI RAYA HAJI!!

yeah.. another holiday for myself.. hee* waked up early ta go mit dearie ta go JB.. hee* rain so damn big.. yupz* custom was not crowded.. walked ta e chicken rice stall we always go de,.. ate le den go city square.. walk ard.. boughta juicy couture bag, a pair of white pumps, and a pink top.. ate genki dere too.. was pissed with dearie.. but ended up fine la.. hee* yaya.. me and my temper.. yeaps.. love her to bits.. oh.. visit our fren.. talked awhile.. den go back city square buy dearie's nike shoe.. cheaper den sg la.. and nicer.. bought myself a mickey stocking.. haha* shared a private car with roger den drove us home..

well.. happy though.. thank alot of my frens for being dere for me.. love u guys alot.. i noe u guys r dere.. and will be dere.. me too.. =] hugggiez*

for dearie... do noe dat i still love u no matter wat,..

now.. being in the retail line is easy for me.. in e case u guys noe dat i love interacting with ppl.. and ya.. ever complimented by my in-charge in WWW for being good in my customer service.. but... dis time round.. my gosh.. i'm being so called ill-treated.. never mind the folding of clothes.. never mind e serving of customers.. i'm willing to do so.. but as a 'senior' to me, u din even appoint a person for me.. for me to turn to.. and i have to do everything myself.. i dun even have a time for toilet break.. not even a time for a sip of water.. but thanks wayne for buying me a big water though.. its harder den wat i tink.. i tot its all.. no1 tell me dat as a newcomer i need to vacuum.. and ya.. after closing, I HAVE TA VACUUM!! and guess wat, i whole bloody area.. and i'm so good dat i clean every part of it.. but.. wayne told me to anyhow clean will do.. after vacuuming.. dey still dun let me go.. i still gotta help ta highlite e tags.. if wayne din told e in-charge i got sch tml, i tink dey will juz let me work till 11+ or mayb 12 when i got sch e next day.. how stressful can.. i reached Fox at 420pm when i'm supposed ta be dere at 430pm.. i'm early..(30min for briefing, 5pm is e time to start work).. i go home abt 1055pm.. yeah.. i'm so happy i ended my work.. but i was so tensed up.. my hand shivering coz of folding and vacuum..fark* wateva la.. anyway.. i quit!! muhahah* guess wat.. deb was rite.. mux be coz of someppl got motive.. fark.. den wat am i doing dere for?.. making me suffer dere alone.. fark!! i shall treat it as charity la.. i'm nice.. i cant believe dat e bloody in-charge can actually reply saying dat i've got a bad attitude.. when U GUYS R MAKING USE OF ME!! FOX SUCKS!! being so biased in a company wont help la.. anyway, my girls noe wat happen.. my dear noe too.. my parents noe it too.. lying to me say 5.5bucks for weekends.. but gotto work for more than 8 hours den got 5.5.. if not den its 5 bucks.. wat e.. work like hell but got so lil pay.. wateva la.. anyway, i gonna find a new job.. i'm happy with my 1 day performance.. becos none of them actually did i wat i did.. i did more den any part timers..

anyway, gonna thanks my girlies ta let me noe earlier wat's dat person's motive .. anyway, though i suffered for 1 day.. not paid for it.. gonna treat this time as a charity work la.. do it free.. god can see wat am i doing de la..

well, anyway, [04/01/06] was our 7mths.. hee* dearie was sweet.. helped me take consultation no. from e clinic.. coz still coughing.. den dearie bought me small mickey and wrote me a letter.. so sweet* so happy.. we wentta eat tiong steamboat den ate my med.. den we took bus ta P.S.. watched movie.. NARNIA... haha.. was nice show can.. but all 'thanks' ta e bloody couple sitting beside me..making so so much noise.. *argh*.. wentta meet abang and long dey all.. see them play pool le den we go off lo.. yupz*.. anyway, nice day..

HAPPY 7th Monthsary to my dearie.. muackiez* love you alot.. hope dat we wont eva part.. no third party , not so much quarrells... hee* *wish*.. hee*.. muackiez..